GNN: The retirement of Simon Kaine, a tribute
Posts: 4291
  • Posted On: Dec 6 2007 5:08am
Though it's now hardly news, we here at the Galactic news network still haven't quite gotten over the surprise retirement of the Empire's Supreme Commander Simon Kaine. Over the last few weeks we've prepared a tribute to the former Supreme Commander, consisting of a list of little-know facts to commemorate his fame, his accomplishments, and his glory. Ladies and gentlebeings, the Simon Kaine fact list.

*When the Emperor goes to bed, he checks his closet for Simon Kaine.

*Simon Kaine gave a kid a stock tip once. That child grew up to be Seth Vinda.

*No one defies Simon Kaine. They're just controlled so well they don't know they're obeying.

*Only one high-class callgirl has ever satisfied Simon Kaine. Bhindi Drayson is now the Supreme Commander of the Empire's armed forces.

*Simon Kaine played chess once. The Onyxian Commonwealth collapsed.

*Simon Kaine once wrote a "Hello World" program. This program went on to rule the Black Dragon Empire.

*There was no big bang. The universe is just backing away from Simon Kaine.

*Prime Minister Regrad worships the Gods of Azguard. The Gods of Azguard worship Simon Kaine.

*There once was a man from Nantucket. Simon Kaine hates that joke, so he had him executed.

*There was no Jedi purge. The Jedi Order challenged Simon Kaine to a game of touch-football.

*There is no alien persecution in the Empire, merely a list of species Simon Kaine lets live.

*The Jedi and Sith have been warring for millennia over wether Simon Kaine preffers coffee or tea with his morning paper.

*Han didn't shoot first. Simon Kaine did.

*Darth Vader once told Luke he was his father. He'd mistaken Luke for Simon Kaine.

*The Millenium Falcon made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs. Simon Kaine did it in three steps.

*Simon Kaine once looked a woman in the eyes. Anakin's mother never knew who the father was.

*Pod racers are designed to look like Simon Kaine's balls - scaled down, of course.

*Simon Kaine used to own a teddy bear, but lost it. The Ewoks resulted.

*Simon Kaine wrote an essay for history class once. Everyone still thinks there used to be a Republic.

*The reason the second Death Star wasn't finished was they were trying to build both balls to scale this time.

*To help Anakin adjust, Simon Kaine lent him his voice for Anakin's Darth Vader suit.

*Thrawn was actually human. He turned blue with frostbite after Simon Kaine frowned at him.

*The Citadel doesn't refer to Simon Kaine by name. He's too modest.

*Simon Kaine farted once. They're STILL mining Tibanna gas off of Bespin.

*Every time a bell rings, Simon Kaine pulls off an angel's wings.

*When the Republic built its' clone army, they looked for the greatest human imaginable to be the template. Unfortunately, Simon Kaine was on holiday.

*Simon Kaine believes in one man, one vote. Simon Kaine is the man, he has the vote.

*Prime Minister Regrad once asked Simon Kaine for advice. Simon Kaine said "Corellia's nice this time of year."

*Gash Jiren once made fun of Simon Kaine's mother. The New Republic collapsed.

Stay tuned for more interesting facts about this amazing man.
Posts: 1200
  • Posted On: Dec 6 2007 4:24pm
Posts: 936
  • Posted On: Dec 12 2007 1:51am
I love it.