"You leave white people alone for a long time, they're not gonna come up with a whole lot of goodness, you know? Every time an election comes around there's always that same message of love in this country.
(gruff southern accent)
"You know what's wrong with this country? *sniff* People from other countries.
(snarls, snorts, makes an "Alien" come out of his chest)
Of course, people from other countries. Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos. We all came over in a boat one way or another, right? And why is it always the *ugliest* white people with this message?
(very constricted, throaty snarling voice and a God-awful look)
"The white race is the superior race. We must never allow the inferior blood of the mud people to tear our superiority.You're like,
(jumping back)
"Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy cow. You should... date around, is what you should do. You've got... gills... and a pointed head... Date... outside your immediate family, is my advice to you. Seek out the swarthy-skinned almond-eyed people. I think you'll find them a refreshing dip in the gene pool."
"I mean, if you want to live in a white world, if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named "Doug". Yeah, but it's lovely there. It's really lovely. Our country smells like urine. Canada's pine fresh.
'Cause white people do not come up with the good music, ladies and gentlemen, let's be very very honest. Oh, they can *play* the music. But they don't *invent* the good music. And the crowd goes quiet.
(in goofy voice)
"But Greg, white people invented polka... *and* Gregorian chants... *and* country."
I rest my case. White people did not invent blues, or samba, or salsa, or jazz, or rock 'n' roll, or hip-hop, or reggae, or anything that's fun, because...
(goofy voice)
"Why, Greg? Why? Why didn't white people invent those things? They produce them and take all the money for them."
Because it requires hip movement of the pelvic region... during the dancing process... and a certain looseness that white people do not possess, nor are they any good at it at any point. You've seen people from other countries dance, right? Brazilians. During Carnival. It's fabulous. Feathers in their hair, breasts hanging out, beads coming off their butt, "Obba obba wow!" (bleep) pumping, (bleep) pounding, reaffirmation of our humanity. You don't see a lot of rednecks marching through Phoenix on Martin Luther King Day with feathers in their hair and beads on their butt, do you? (southern accent)
"Gosh I feel free."
White people invented, like, Swiss clock dancing.
(dances on stage making clock noises, kicking the air)
"Whoo! Heidi little goat girl, you are kickin' the jam! Whoo, you got my lederhosen in a situation! Mmm, and this food, it's so delicious. What is this, pure cheese in this fondue? God bless our white culinary heritage."
You leave white people alone, in isolation, for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be? Rrrriverdance!
(does some riverdance)
"I can't move my hips, I can't move my head. But below the ankles I am a rockin' bag of Gaelic sex. Yes I am."
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
(gruff southern accent)
"You know what's wrong with this country? *sniff* People from other countries.
(snarls, snorts, makes an "Alien" come out of his chest)
Of course, people from other countries. Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos. We all came over in a boat one way or another, right? And why is it always the *ugliest* white people with this message?
(very constricted, throaty snarling voice and a God-awful look)
"The white race is the superior race. We must never allow the inferior blood of the mud people to tear our superiority.You're like,
(jumping back)
"Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy cow. You should... date around, is what you should do. You've got... gills... and a pointed head... Date... outside your immediate family, is my advice to you. Seek out the swarthy-skinned almond-eyed people. I think you'll find them a refreshing dip in the gene pool."
"I mean, if you want to live in a white world, if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named "Doug". Yeah, but it's lovely there. It's really lovely. Our country smells like urine. Canada's pine fresh.
'Cause white people do not come up with the good music, ladies and gentlemen, let's be very very honest. Oh, they can *play* the music. But they don't *invent* the good music. And the crowd goes quiet.
(in goofy voice)
"But Greg, white people invented polka... *and* Gregorian chants... *and* country."
I rest my case. White people did not invent blues, or samba, or salsa, or jazz, or rock 'n' roll, or hip-hop, or reggae, or anything that's fun, because...
(goofy voice)
"Why, Greg? Why? Why didn't white people invent those things? They produce them and take all the money for them."
Because it requires hip movement of the pelvic region... during the dancing process... and a certain looseness that white people do not possess, nor are they any good at it at any point. You've seen people from other countries dance, right? Brazilians. During Carnival. It's fabulous. Feathers in their hair, breasts hanging out, beads coming off their butt, "Obba obba wow!" (bleep) pumping, (bleep) pounding, reaffirmation of our humanity. You don't see a lot of rednecks marching through Phoenix on Martin Luther King Day with feathers in their hair and beads on their butt, do you? (southern accent)
"Gosh I feel free."
White people invented, like, Swiss clock dancing.
(dances on stage making clock noises, kicking the air)
"Whoo! Heidi little goat girl, you are kickin' the jam! Whoo, you got my lederhosen in a situation! Mmm, and this food, it's so delicious. What is this, pure cheese in this fondue? God bless our white culinary heritage."
You leave white people alone, in isolation, for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be? Rrrriverdance!
(does some riverdance)
"I can't move my hips, I can't move my head. But below the ankles I am a rockin' bag of Gaelic sex. Yes I am."
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
